In all reality and with my heart completely bare- I've been struggling with finding my place since I've been home. I can't seem to balance what I know my heart longs for with what I know I have to do for a season.

Song of Solomon 2:4 "…His banner over me is love."

When the Lord calls my name- how loudly does he have to speak? Is it a shout? Or a whisper? If he calls me to his side, will I go? Will I sit right next to Him?

Why can't I believe that he has called me to his side? He wants to whisper his love to me, as I sit- right beside him- and allow his banner of love to cover me.

Out of this intimacy springs a relationship so unmatched in depth and commitment that the world cannot help but stop to see. Confidence is found in that intimacy and in knowing how great the love the Father lavished on me.

Surrender leads to deeper levels of trust, and trust leads to fulfillment of the promise. The pieces of life seem to fit together. The passions of my heart meet the gifts of my Father. Together the two go forth into the world- into the nations- and meet the needs of the lost, dying; hurting…

...and now I know the place I belong. Now I know where I am called and where I fit in this life. Right here. Right beside the One who calls my name and sings his love over me. Right under his arm. So here I will stay… and wait…here I will learn trust...

Find His banner and let it rest over you.

C.P. resident's eyes opened by

11-month world travels

BY MARISA KWIATKOWSKI
mkwiatkowski@nwitimes.com
219.662.5333 | Tuesday, January 29, 2008 | 6 comment(s)

McKenna said she joined nearly 50 other people from across the United States to travel most of 2007 in The World Race, a mission-based trip dedicated to personal and spiritual growth, and outreach.

During her travels, McKenna said she fed the poor, worked with local churches and orphanages, taught English and brought prostitutes out of the sex trade in Thailand.

She said it was six months before she broke down emotionally.

"I struggled a lot," McKenna said. "It's heart wrenching. You can go play with (orphans), feed them, then you send them back."

She said she lived off $7 a day in some of the world's poorest countries. They traveled to Mexico, Guatemala, Nicaragua, Costa Rica, Peru, Swaziland, Thailand, Cambodia, China and others.

McKenna returned to Crown Point in November and said she will continue her mission work.

"When you see what I see and know what I know, you can't go back," she said. "The little faces burned in my heart need someone to fight for them."

McKenna said she will not fight alone.

During the World Race, she met her now-fiance Chad Mast, 28, of San Diego.

Mast was a team leader for The World Race and said he and McKenna developed a friendship during the trip that evolved into more when they got home. They were engaged at Christmas.

"Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, "The LORD has done great things for them." Psalm 126:2

Here are some pictures from an orphanage we visited last week!  I can't help it- I love kids!

I should've been a teacher. There's no doubt in my mind that I would have enjoyed it immensely. In the past two weeks of teaching English to Cambodian young adults, I have found myself growing in respect for educators. Teaching is a literal pouring out of yourself into another person. It's empowering. I love taking my small understanding of adverbs and simple past tense verbs and putting that together in sentences and breaking it down so my students can understand. And I love when they ask questions. Sometimes I can see the wheels turning in their heads when the pieces start to fit together. It makes me feel like I'm doing something right.

Last week our class discussion took an interesting turn. At the end of class as we worked on an exercise in the textbook, we were to conduct a survey of our entire class asking the question: "Will the future of the next generation be better or worse than today?" I gave the class a few minutes to think about the future of their country and the hope of the next generation. Much to my surprise as I polled the class, every single person believed that the next generation of Cambodians will experience a better future than they currently have.

I was so impressed by the faith of this class. That they didn't look out at the street littered with trash or the neighboring buildings that appeared ready to collapse without notice. They refused to focus the visible. There was an unseen hope that they all believed in- more than they believed in the things they could see.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1

I took advantage of this spark in their hearts and began teaching on this verse. Class ended and picked up the next day with a Bible teaching on men of faith (Hebrews 11) who believed God- more than they believed circumstances, more than they believed what they could see and more than they believed themselves.

I've discovered something that I love doing. I love speaking life to others, and watching as they come alive with the realization that someone believes in them and believes in their dream. My challenge to my students was to believe that the Lord has even bigger dreams for us than we have for ourselves and in the surrender of our dreams to Him, He gives back more than we can ask or imagine.

My challenge to you… dream big, you might just get it ALL!

Crossing the Cambodia border yesterday was yet another paradox that I remain unable to explain in words. Do you ever have those moments in life where you wish you could just freeze the frame you're in and stop to sit and experience the fullness of the moment? It's bitter and sweet.

I remember the morning I walked across a stage and received a piece of paper that shows the world that I spent three years of my life devoted to developing my mind and cultivating an understanding of my passions and how I can use them to make the world a better place. After three years of studying, those few hours of graduation didn't seem to be long enough to revel in the final outcome. It's a short, but sweet memory.

The bitter moments are more difficult to articulate and it's often more difficult to desire to remain in these moment. It's a natural human instinct to avoid pain and discomfort. We harden our hearts to the injustices of the world and push away from people or things that upset our balance of safety and stability. It's so easy to watch commercials about saving starving kids on the other side of the world and flick the channel while doubting the truth or reality of the images… until you stand in the middle of the street and stare down into the child's face and realize that reality is reality and sometimes reality sucks.

I'm not a bitter pessimist in any way, in fact it's more likely that I'm a free- riding optimist who sees the brokenness of the world and truly believes that things can be changed. I don't want to constantly appeal to solely the emotional argument that can be derived from the message that seems to be consistent through these blogs, but I still can't seem to miss the Father's heart when I see His children hurting. And yes, it happened again… I've glimpsed in at His heart…

Our team was a mess of confusion and we were trying to speed through the border crossing process as efficiently as we possibly could. Things generally aren't the way we think they should be. We pushed our way through the Thailand side and made our way to the lines to enter Cambodia…somewhere in the short distance between borders; I lost part of my heart to a bunch of dirty, smelly kids. As we walked, I slowly watched the things in my hands disappear, until I was left with tears rolling down my cheeks and a roll of toilet paper in my hand.

It's funny that I'm still surprised when I feel something different beating inside of me. I used to hate the vulnerability that was exposed when I fell apart in the middle of ‘just living everyday life.' I used to hate the shame that was associated with my inability to be a ‘strong' woman and deal with the things that we see. Now I truly understand that the world doesn't see enough tears. We don't see true brokenness because too many of us are led to believe that brokenness demonstrates weakness and weakness is bad.

I want to glory in my weakness. I've seen His strength; it's better than mine.

"For the word of the Lord is right and true; he is faithful in all he does. The Lord loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of his unfailing love. By the word of the Lord were the heavens made, their starry host by the breath of his mouth. He gathers the waters of the sea into jars; he puts the deep into storehouses. Let all the earth fear the Lord; let all the people of the world revere him." Psalm 33:4-8

Well, we've been working in Phuket, Thailand for the past three weeks and I've been pretty lax in keeping up with my blogs. We've partnered with a ministry here, called SHE (Self Help and Empowerment) that works with women and children who are at risk. The ministry is just starting to take off and there are four girls that have left their jobs in the bars to work with Mark and Sharon Biddell making jewelry and cards. The Lord is moving in this place.

We spend our free time with the girls, attempting to make jewelry and cards and laughing with them. They are reminders of why this ministry is so important.

We witnessed Thailand's Mother's Day and watched the girls stop for a moment to sit around Sharon and bless her with flowers and tears. I sat on the outside, looking in with awe at how awesome our Lord is. Sharon has been working with the girls for months-entering their worlds, giving love- unconditionally, and offering them a new life in exchange for the old. The girls thanked Sharon for loving them and honored her as their spiritual mother. It was one of the simplest ways that I've seen the Lord glorified through one woman's devotion to Him and through her heart to see things change in this world.

Sometimes it's so easy to lose sight of the vision and purpose the Lord has for us in each place that we travel to. It seems like we jump into a ministry and move on before we even realize where we are. Coming alongside people like Mark and Sharon and watching them live discipleship serves as a fabulous reminder of what the church is called to.

Living discipleship isn't always easy. It sometimes requires getting messy and doing things that don't necessarily make sense. But as the body of Christ, it's time that we started doing things that look like Jesus, but don't necessarily make sense. It may require moving outside of the four walls that make our services safe. The doors of the church might need to be ripped from the threshold and taken out to the street where the drunk and prostitute are wallowing in sin, crying out to be rescued. They aren't aware, but their hearts are searching for something more… there must be something better… something more… they haven't found it in the bars or the lust because the church hasn't moved outside of the safety of the building to actually live the gospel like Jesus did. He loved people, exactly where they were… exactly as He found them. And He wasn't ashamed to associate with them in their mess. He was in every way human like us, but he lived in such a way that defied the standards of this world. It's time church…

How did this happen? When I signed up for the race, I signed up for a year- now I can't imagine going back to the life I once loved and desired. I no longer want to be the same. I don't value the same things. When did this happen?

I want to love people. I want to spend myself loving people. I really have been wrecked. And somehow I'm not afraid… I'm really not afraid that my life may never look the way that I thought it would look. Because I know there's MORE! I'm not disappointed with the freedom that comes from allowing the Lord to truly reign in my heart.

I'm afraid that I'm not afraid. I don't think I really know what I've gotten myself into, what I'm willing to give my life away for. Why is this so ok for me? It feels so right. So normal, but I know that it's not normal….I know that I was not raised with this mindset. I went to college, earned a degree, and was ready to jump on the fast track to the nice life. I shouldn't be ok with giving it all away.

I'm just beginning to realize that my thought processes aren't normal. I'm not afraid of dying for what I believe is right. I'm not afraid of fighting for justice and righteousness to rise up in the nations.

I don't understand myself. Is this a crisis of faith…because I don't feel like this is a bad thing, but I also don't feel like I understand that ramifications of the way that I'm thinking. A paradigm shift? Is that what is happening?My entire worldview, everything I've learned from my family, everything that had at one point been significantly valuable… Am I forsaking all for the truth that I've heard preached from a pulpit all of my life, but now have discovered in a very real way…while holding a dirty, smelly, adorably baby girl in my arms and feeling love pour over me in a way that makes my skin tingle?

Jesus, are you real like this?

How did I miss this for so long?

Lord, you're doing something greater in me than I can even understand. You've taken my heart and gently wiped the slime and sludge out so that you can fill it with more of your heart and love for the world. I'm looking down at my chest right now and I don't recognize my own heart.

This new heart you've given me is different….kind of smushy. When it gets poked by sensitive issues- like children being orphaned or neglected or raped- the smushy, juicy inside starts welling up in my eyes and comes out looking like tears.

But I know these tears aren't the normal kind that I cry. These tears feel different. They feel sweet as they roll down my cheeks and even though I'm angered by the things that I'm seeing and hearing, my face doesn't twist or contort with pain. The tears just roll down my r elaxed cheeks, ruining my perfectly applied mascara and streaking through the layers of self I used to hide behind. And within an instant I'm not hiding anymore. My heart is o n my sleeve and the world knows that I don't have it all together. I can't figure this all out, Daddy. I'm not sure what you are doing…. When did this happen?

I am torn from a country that I truly love and now continue on in Bangkok, Thailand where the sex trade industry is the 3rd largest in the World.